i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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