Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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