So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
