I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
