yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You ate ashes out of my bong
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
