I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
