and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
