The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Boobs speak an international language.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
