Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
