whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
