I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
