do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
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