I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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