Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
