My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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