jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Terrible idea I love it
COCAINE IS GR8
I need water and some morals
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
