I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
