I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
