sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
