I'm sorry my penis didn't work
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
