he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
