first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
