Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
