Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
