They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
