Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
