this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
