True but thats because hes a fetus.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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