May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
