Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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