you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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