wanna go halves on a baby?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
