don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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