he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize