I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
