Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize