Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
