so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
