it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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