$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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