apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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