I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
