she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
