I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
