When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
