You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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