could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
