The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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