sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
