so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
