Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
