I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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