i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
