ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
