I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
