His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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