sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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