I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
